all this drive me nuts!

I hate myself . Easy to give up. Quite often forget the schedule. I hate myself for we've part for two years but I just can't stop loving him. I hate myself like a spy,using his email code to see how is everything going in his life. I hate myself having so many friends surround me but hardly find one that can listen to me. I hate this kind of feeling you know it's not the right pace to follow,but just can't force yourself to stop. I want someone that can listen to me ,just listen to me ,without that so-called sympathy.I don't need sympathy.I just need understanding.